The Latest Flare

Sometimes things don’t really go to plan. I had planned on having the house cleaned and the bathroom fixed; I had planned on posting all about my amazing birthday; I had planned to lose a bunch of weight before our Bali trip and be all Ultimate Butterfly Princess for social media photos (it’s the dream), but… life happens. The particular brand of life that happened in the last eight weeks was not my favourite, but I can finally say that things seem to be getting better. Let me go back to the beginning.

In mid-August, I started getting fairly regular trigeminal neuralgia attacks. It didn’t bother me too much – when it happens all the time, you kind of build up a tolerance to it, and it becomes normal to function with a certain cloud of pain over you most of the time. Not ideal. But it was bearable until the first week of September, when it started getting much worse. I started taking medication and tried to just grin and bear it. Until late-September when suddenly all hell broke loose.

I don’t want to go through all the gory details. But the pain was unbelievable. I ended up going to hospital and being drugged out of my mind for over a week. I still can’t remember the exact sequence of events because the whole week felt like I was in a coma. I barely got out of bed, barely ate or drank, could not do anything at all except look at my phone for 5 minute intervals here and there.

But let’s focus on what’s important: I am so much better now. I am still feeling weak and tired with a lot of clumsiness and cognitive confusion (that is likely from medication), but almost zero pain. I am so grateful for this, but also freaking out a bit. I like to plan things, a lot, and suddenly I’m realizing that I don’t have the degree of control that I previously thought. A lot of my future plans are up in the air because I just can’t count on the future looking how I imagine. My brain is full of ideas (buy the nice plates! go to Taiwan! stop worrying so much!) that are clashing with a bunch of other ideas (now that you’re good again, you should work out, take your vitamins and do mindfulness every day so you’ll never take ‘being well’ for granted again)… I’m sure I’ll find balance somehow, but it’s such a strange time.

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