What Was and What Will Be

Every year I make grand resolutions and they rarely stick, so this year I did something different. If you haven’t heard of YearCompass, you have now – do it. It’s such a cathartic exercise to celebrate what was good, let go of what was bad, and have a clear view of how you would like to approach the year ahead. Here are some excerpts from what I wrote in my booklet:

2018

This year, I…
Visited Grandma in hospital for her birthday and took her roses from my garden
Went to So Frenchy So Chic in the Park with Nathan
Rupert got pneumonia and had to stay overnight in hospital
Got a paddle pool for the backyard that was heavenly
Went to Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time with Mum
Fell through the floor of the shower and horrifically injured my leg, went to hospital a bunch of times and spent the best part of five months on the couch and going to constant physio appointments
Saw Roger Waters with Nathan’s family
Did nothing for Valentine’s Day
Celebrated Chinese New Year – Year of the Dog – with my family
Went to my first ever embroidery class
Attended Aunty Marie’s Easter curry buffet and wine making
Grandma died and it was horrible
Saw Tosca with Nathan, Mum and Dad
Saw Belle and Sebastian, my all time favourite band, with Nathan
Had Posie and Rupert be models for the rescue dogs book
Went to look at a display house that might end up being a model for our future home
Signed up for Fiona McIntosh’s masterclass next year
Went to Nobu for lunch with Nathan
Went to see Julius Caesar
Caitlin and Jennifer were in the Lombok earthquake
Went to Sydney to the RWA Conference
Celebrated 1 year of marriage, had dinner at Bistrot Plume
Went to Werribee Zoo with Nathan for our birthday and did the serval cat encounter which was amazing
Had the worst TN attack of my life and spent months either brain dead or in horrific pain
Got my first fabric mermaid tails
Dyed my hair red
Went to a wedding
Refused to give another damn ever again about people who could not give a single damn about me during the worst year of my life
Saw the neurologist and finally got some answers, but more questions to be answered in February
Went on a great trip to Bali and had a magical weekend there with Nathan
We tried to buy a block of land but missed out, but have a clearer idea of our future moves
The shower finally got repaired by Dad
Rupert had pneumonia again
Had a minor but gross surgery on my toenail
Saw La Bohème with Dad
Found out I have to go back to the eye surgeon next year
Adopted two kittens
Started work on my first novel

It’s a lot. There were exciting and wonderful things here and there, but the grand sum of my year is that I didn’t have a very good time. And by extension, neither did Nathan. It was rough and hard and mean and sad and grey most of the time, and I’m so glad to be done with it all. This year was a trial, and I’m ultimately glad that I had the strength to bear it, but it was wearing nonetheless. I feel so… rumpled by the whole thing, like I have less stamina for hope and optimism in the future, but all I can do is keep faith that it will come back. Summer is good like that – it has a way of reinvigorating you, right down to your bones.

2019

Next year, I would like to…
Make my house a joyful and cozy place to be (more fairy lights and plants!)
Grow to love the kittens and have a happy and harmonious household of six
Give Posie and Rupert the best lives they can have in their twilight years
Be a better wife in every way I can
Start yoga practice again because it makes me feel so much better when I do it
Find skype language partners for French and Chinese so I can be conversationally fluent again, and who knows, maybe start another language too (I’m considering Swedish because apparently it’s easy for English speakers)
Write this damn novel, just get it done so I can finally feel some satisfaction about it
Lose this damn weight and be able to actually wear my 150+ dresses
Consider the possibility of our little family doing some further multiplying
Do some fun runs and not sprain my ankle 50m from the start
Have as many beach days as possible
Hopefully buy some land for a future forever house
Finally get my drivers license so I can take myself to the beach any old time I please
Make my garden beautiful again, as well as be able to grow enough produce to make my own pickles, preserves and ferments
Go to the movies more often, because I love arthouse and foreign cinema but I rarely go
Knit, crochet, embroider, quilt, draw, paint, whatever – just be creative again
Learn how to use my new multi-cooker like a pro and be the queen of freezer meals so if I break my leg, I never have to live through months of takeout ever again
Finally get the gallery wall happening in my lounge room after years of dithering on the issue
Hopefully take Nathan to Taiwan in the second half of next year, so he can see where I’m from and understand why a part of my soul will always live there

That’s also a lot. I hope I have enough energy for all this stuff because I’m tired even just typing it. It’s hard to open myself up to the possibility that everything might not be disastrous and calamitous, because that’s how things have tended to go this year. I feel like I’m constantly bracing myself for the next bad thing, the next phone call, the next funeral, the next injury, the next TN flare. Life shouldn’t feel like that, and I’m hoping that next year is the year that proves to me – reminds me – why I should have faith in good things happening, why I should be optimistic about the future.

2019, I’m counting on you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


7 − six =